Friends

I had a good conversation with the kids at Bio House yesterday, talking about nonstandard co-parenting arrangements and such. (D: "Group marriage!" M: "I'm not even talking about group marriage." Me: "I am!")

I hadn't known that they were thinking so hard about this, it was really nice. One guy was complaining that it's really hard to find people to be roommates with when your friends disappear into dyads to raise kids after a certain age, even if you personally value group living. I said being queer helps some with that. We're more often on the same page, and at least we've thought about whether we are or not, you know?

And they were all ten-plus years younger than me, and while I know they heard me they didn't - quite - get it. I am used to this, in the sad but relieved way that queer people older than me have always acted over my own comparative lack of trauma, because for these kids being gay wouldn't have been that hard, it is an option that they have heard of as more than a slur from the time they were little.

I thought about how to express my feeling on this, and the way I want to say it is that homosexuality is no longer enough to make you queer.* Queer is that you want something you're not supposed to, and you know that, so you make your own decisions about what you do want and how important it is to you. Homosexuals can get married now, you know, so we must want the same things as Everyone Else. Isn't that what we've been saying we want?

There are two problems with this. One is that I like queer people, dammit, and having fewer of us is bad. It's true that these straight kids were really thoughtful; I think it must have something to do with general tolerance and knowledge of available alternatives. So maybe I can get some of my community from sufficiently liberal straight kids. On the other hand, homosexuality is still scary and can get you in trouble, so I worry that younger gay kids will actually be more likely to fall in with the monogamous-nuclear-family railroading that's pushed on them.

The second problem is that I personally am being othered more now, because the umbrella of social acceptability is bigger and I still don't fit under it. I don't want to, but I do want some company out here in the sun. People are still not all the same. We shouldn't have to be.

One of the guys commented during our conversation, "We're all talking about our own things! I'm talking about roommates, you're talking about raising kids, you're talking about no kids..." Still, we basically agreed. We all wanted to think for ourselves and figure out what would work for us.

* Here and now in my liberal location, that is. I know this differs over space as well as time.

This entry was originally posted at http://jinian.dreamwidth.org/569407.html. Respond wherever you like.

Pocky is not lunch. Ideally, lunch includes vegetables, but it is certainly of higher volume and nutritive quality than chocolate-covered crackers. When one has a meeting in the afternoon, one needs to eat actual lunch. Go do that now.

This entry was originally posted at http://jinian.dreamwidth.org/569276.html. Respond wherever you like.

i posted pictures of my new tattoo to fb, but if you're not on there you can see them here:

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B43scFRpRDW9RlUxNTItNkMwYms/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B43scFRpRDW9YjQ3cXRic3UySFk/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B43scFRpRDW9bktsTWRhS2Y2UDQ/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B43scFRpRDW9SUVnNzFFSGIxV0U/edit?usp=sharing

i want to get better pictures; if i do i'll find a better way to post them here. i'm pleased, though.

My roommate wants to move in with her boyfriend in White Center in August, and she's asked me to come with her (we currently live in Shoreline). She and her boyfriend have offered me a staggeringly reasonable rate on the rent, and we are about as close as sisters (friends since early childhood). I don't actually know that much about White Center, but my impression of it is not great. Unfortunately, I can't afford to rent anywhere on my own in the greater Seattle area, so the choice is between moving with her, or moving in with strangers elsewhere.

Tell me things about White Center, people. I am counting on you to help me make this decision. I'm a geek who likes books, board gaming, thrift stores, and friendly coffee shops. Will I be happy there?

Elevated bikeways are an oddly persistent idea. Sofia. Toronto. Eindhoven. Los Angeles in 1897.

Say! Did you know that girls hate Game of Thrones ? Well, neither did I. But apparently they do.

(The above Thrillist tidbit by Renata Sellitti is subtitled "The reasons she throws shade on your medieval man show" which leaves me feeling all old and puzzled and stuff, because "throwing shade"? Is that a thing the kids say nowadays? Is that the new "diss"? Because I have literally never seen it before.)

But, never mind. The real news here is that girls (other than me, I guess, and my nerdy female cohort, and the nerdy women I tend to follow online) hate Game of Thrones. Because, apparently "Game of Thrones ranks somewhere on the Girl Dislike scale between NASCAR and that National Geographic show where the guy sticks his hand in a catfish’s mouth." Well, obviously. Because... wait, what catfish show is she talking about? I don't know anything about this catfish show. Is it a nature program? I like nature programs. Anyway, I thought it was northern liberals who hated NASCAR, not girls, and I suppose I am guilty as charged. I mean... they drive these incredible cars really super duper fast... around... and around... and around... maybe it's a potent metaphor of American life in the early twenty-first century, as we use unprecedented heights of technological expertise and astonishing amounts of diminishing fossil fuel resources going absolutely nowhere, but as entertainment it barely ranks above televised golf. And considerably below nature programs.

So, where was I? Oh, yes. Girls. Game of Thrones. Girls apparently dislike it because "we" hate things that are "gross" (content of the Twilight saga notwithstanding), things that are complicated and hard to follow unless they are soap operas, nerds who play "magic cards" and go to "Renaissance festivals," naked chicks, and violence. And apparently we "love Don Draper," whoever that is.

Now, it always puts my back up when pop culture writers, or politicians, loftily assert what "we gals" like and dislike and think and care about. But this essay is coming from a particular place I've seen before -- many times, in fact -- which involves the complete disappearance of girl geeks. The essay is strongly framed with the assumption that the nerdy Magic players and Ren Fair attendees are NEVER female, that the GoT devotee dating a newbie who has to be coaxed into watching is NEVER female, that the audience of GoT (a hit HBO series) isn't approximately half female. The expected value of dude is a nerd-friendly GoT fan, while the expected value of female is a soap-opera-lovin' Mad Men fan.

Stupid, of course. And probably trivial, in the grand scheme of things. It's not as if HBO acts like they think GoT is a dudefest -- if anything, it seems like the nudity is there to suck in guys who otherwise wouldn't want to watch all the politicking and gowns and swordfights, although maybe that just applies in my household. Anyway, their marketing for the show always strikes me as gender-neutral, aimed at people who like the characters, and Peter Dinklage, and dragons, and... no! It won't work I tell you! I am NOT paying for cable! I am (teeth gritted) WAITING (teeth gritted) for the DVDs to come out. You hear me? Curse you HBO! (Shakes fist at the GoT promo billboard with that oh-so-enticing shadow of a dragon on it.)

This is in contrast to the marketing for video games, comic books, magazines, and regular books intended for the nerdy cohort -- all of which frequently assume they are marketing exclusively to men, or, more accurately, to horny teenage boys. The cultural disappearance of female geeks is what makes that seem like a good idea. Girls don't like that kind of thing, do they? And if they do like it... well, they're lonely freaks, not worth considering in their own right, and they'll put up with the stuff intended for the teenage boys.

The disappearance of female geeks is why anybody ever thought "fake girl geeks" was a thing. It's a ridiculous idea that could only possibly make sense if you assume geek culture is exclusively defined by boys.

So, trivial and stupid it may be, but essays like this one perpetuate the idea that the kingdom of nerds is a place boys live by natural right, where girls are, at best, legal immigrants, and at worst an invading force to be repelled with extreme prejudice.